Holy shit it’s been a long freaking time since I’ve written a blog post (again). But this time like hot damn…this is some next level ghosting I’ve done. Clearly consistency isn’t my thing. But I’m being open and honest about it and I guess that’s the first step right? I’ve had notes for this post saved in my drafts for over 3 MONTHS but I’m looking at my lack of consistency with love and forgiveness, not being hard on myself or getting upset about it (easier said than done and I don’t think I’m fully there with this yet but the intention is definitely there).
As crazy and as depressing and sad as it may sound, I have created a habit of feeling unworthy, of not being successful in my business and not having the health and the body that I want that I have just gotten used to it. I have created a space where not living life to my full potential has become safe and my comfort zone.
The shadows of self-hatred and self-consciousness have become my home. That’s a pretty dark home. I’m really trying to stay away from making this post super depressing and “woe is me” so let’s see how successful I am at that…
I realized that I’ve been self-sabotaging because I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel worthy of success in my business so I don’t work. I don’t feel worthy of posting on social media or of writing a blog post, so I stay quiet. I don’t feel worthy of having a healthy body so I eat junk and don’t exercise. I don’t feel worthy of looking good so I don’t dress up or put makeup on. I don’t feel worthy of being in a relationship so I don’t put myself out there. I tell myself it’s easier this way. This is what I’m used to.
I don’t feel worthy because I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’m not good enough. I’m afraid I will fail. I’m afraid I will make a fool out of myself. I’m afraid of being rejected. I’m afraid of what other people will think.
Even if I do step out of my comfort zone, after a few days (or even faster than that), I go right back into my safe place of isolation, of playing it small, of not taking risks or avoiding things that make me feel uncomfortable.
But I have absolutely no evidence telling me that I am unworthy. I have no proof that I don’t deserve happiness. There is no evidence that I don’t deserve success, wealth and an amazing body. I don’t have anyone in my life telling me I’m not good enough besides myself. My family and friends pour love and belief into me on a daily basis. So why do I feel so unworthy and so afraid? Where did I get this story that I’m not good enough? Where are these thoughts, beliefs and demons coming from?
I don’t have an answer for that. And that frustrates me, a lot.
I can’t keep writing this post without any positivity in it or any encouragement. There has to be a silver lining. What I do know is that my mindfulness and self-awareness is improving each and every day. I am noticing the thoughts in my head more and increasing my ability to stop them and redirect my focus. But it’s a really slow process for me.
I am practicing more self care, more relaxation, more meditation. And all of these things are slowly making me feel a little bit more worthy. Worthy of sitting with myself and my thoughts, knowing that I am good enough. That I am enough. I am enough now. In this body, I am enough. In this place in my business, I am worthy.
Everything is working out for me exactly as it should and every experience is a lesson to be learned. These thoughts and feelings are here to teach me something and I think a part of it is to write about them and practice transparency and honesty with myself and with others. Even if writing about them is a 3 month process. Even if my blog feels like it just had to be dusted off from the shadows of the basement because I had tucked it away and left it to be neglected and forgotten about.
It’s all good though. I’m sure 99% of people weren’t even wondering about where my blog had gone (that’s not a self-deprecating statement, just an objective fact that people don’t really care what/how often you are writing, they are genuinely just concerned with themselves).
It’s actually pretty amazing to read the first draft of this post I had written 3 months ago and see the difference in my thought process from then to now. I definitely wanted to post my original writing, the raw and real and in-the-moment feelings I had been having at that time, but now I don’t think I would have written this post. I don’t think I would have felt the need. I don’t think these feelings of unworthiness and fear are that strong in me anymore. I’m still unsure about that and nervous to even write that out (hence why I said “I don’t think”) but it really does feel a bit foreign and distant to the woman I am not and that’s pretty amazing. It’s amazing to be able to take a step back and reflect and notice my growth in just 3 short months. This reflection and self-acknowledgment is something I do RARELY but I’m now giving myself credit where credit is due.
Note to self: girl, you are killing it. You are freaking worthy of massive wealth and success (an affirmation I actually have posted all over my room). It’s okay to be afraid, but do it anyways. Do it because you are afraid. Know that this fear is a sign that what you are about to do is an amazing step in the right direction. Don’t play small. That doesn’t help anyone.
I know the first time I wrote this post I wrote that I am so used to not living in my full potential that this is where I am comfortable. But this is no longer the case. I’m actually at the point where I am sick and tired of living this unfulfilled, unaligned life. Not living in my full potential is actually very uncomfortable for me right now. And not uncomfortable like out of my comfort zone in a good way. Like uncomfortable because I don’t feel proud of where I am, and that’s not a good feeling for me at all. I know I have the choice to change this. I am choosing to live in my full potential. I am choosing to feel worthy and not to feel afraid of fear. These choices are going to make me feel a lot better and take me a lot further than the choices I was making when I first wrote this post.
To anyone reading this who also struggles with worthiness and fear: I hope you find some solace in my struggle. I hope you can find some hope, some peace and some strength. I hope you know you are not alone. You are never alone. I hope you know that it’s okay to feel the way that you do, even if you don’t have any “real” reason to feel that way, because that’s how I felt as well. I hope you know you have the choice to change the way you feel. You can feel worthy. And while I don’t think anyone is ever fearless, you can use the fear to make you stronger and more powerful by taking action in spite of it.